(10) Star Wars: Rise of the Skywalker
He was meant to be the chosen one. JJ Abrams, the man who dared and gave us hope with The Force Awakens. Today, we only remember him as the poor guy whose job it was to pick up the scraps after Rian Johnson played robber with The Last Jedi, effectively destroying everything JJ tried to build in the first film. The Rise of Skywalker was also a chaotic mess. An incoherent jumble of old and new ideas mixed with a good dose of Karlsson’s glue, desperation and a little sprinkle on top to try to sell it all. The resurrection of Palpatine and his clones, the secret Sith planet with thousands of frozen Star Destroyers, magical macguffins that lacked both rhyme and reason. The spectacle seemingly had no end and when Finn and his newfound friends landed on top of a Star Destroyer by riding out on it with horses. Yes, then we checked out. Star Wars: Rise of the Skywalker is a miserable spectacle from a man desperately trying to clean up the mess Rian Johnson left behind. What started out so strong with The Force Awakens ended in utter disaster.
(09) Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones
Our first feeling when we finally got to leave the cinema after two and a half hours of torture was that we wanted to punch the crap out of George Lucas for the sting and ache. Some of us also claimed that childhood was ruined and that this was the end. One editor was in tears after enduring a movie that just went on and on, non-stop, seemingly endlessly and with so much CGI that we were all seeing pixels for months. Characters and silly storylines that made us immediately want to make an appointment for lobotomization. Once upon a time a franchise that breathed creativity and innovation, entertaining and abundant with story but as the milking of the brand escalated, the films have also changed and gradually lost the common thread that once existed and in Episode II it had really tracked completely. Whoever managed to find the story in this installation deserved a pat on the back, a temple, a noble title and world domination. Finding a plausible plot here was like trying to find Waldo, with the big difference that you always managed to find Waldo in the end. But of course it didn’t start here, we all remember which movie Jar Jar Binks originated in but this is where decay reached such heights that we sold our lightsabers on eBay and lasered off our Darth Vader tattoos. It was almost like we were thinking about becoming Trekkies instead.
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(08) Jurassic World: Dominion
Sure, both Jurassic World (4/10) and the sequel Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (3/10) were genuinely lousy feature films that were soaked in money and resources but mostly looked like poorly produced commercials. However, none of them were quite as bad as the last one was, and is. Dominion succeeds in the feat of surpassing the wretchedness of both predecessors and considering that it cost a whopping 1.8 billion kroner to make, it stands firm as one of the ten worst blockbusters of all time. The script was laughable, the logic horrendous which together with sloppy effects, poor green screen masking, woeful acting and jumpy structure make it our self-written eight on this list.
(07) Batman & Robin
As a film brand, the leather patch was already on slippery ice after the stylistically very different Batman Forever. But few could have guessed what awaited them when they entered the cinema darkness in the summer of 1997 to view what Joel Schumacher had cooked up. Where do you even begin with a train wreck for a movie like Batman & Robin? Arnold’s arsenal of hilarious puns with allusions to cold and ice? Or the nipples on the Batman suit? Batman’s very own credit card? One moment more absurd than the next and the madness continues throughout the film without any let up. It’s the definition of dum-dum movie and a clear result of a studio that was primarily interested in selling the official toys to children. So to the mild extent that they forced Schumacher to make the film more “toyetic”. The result was also the absolute worst Batman movie in the history of the world with a totally miscast, lisping George Clooney who didn’t work at all in the lead role. A big villain who mostly comes across as a joke and endless zooms in on asses.
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(06) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
After the unparalleled success of the first Transformers film, Michael Bay faced a real challenge to say the least when it came time to craft a sequel to the robot saga. In the midst of one of the biggest strikes to hit Hollywood and with no screenwriters to complete the work, it fell to Bay himself to steer the ship to the best of his ability. Something that went about as expected. The final product was the show’s absolute low-water mark, filled with racist stereotypes, paper-thin characters, outrageous objectification of women, and headache-inducing idiocy. Enough that none of the Transformers films can boast of being Oscar material. But Revenge of the Fallen plays in a division of its own, and we’re convinced there’s a special circle in hell reserved solely for Michael Bay’s excruciatingly lousy sequel. Transformers 2 is a study in suffering and a spectacle that can measure up in entertainment to a real serious case of food poisoning. Something that, however, did not prevent the film from making over ten billion kroner at the cinemas and becoming one of the biggest films of all time. Hurray!
The next part will be published tomorrow.