Here you will find the first part of this list!
(05) Wild Wild West
When Will Smith was asked what his worst movie was, he answered without any hesitation, Wild Wild West and who can argue with him? The cowboy party that ensued was so laughably rotten that we completely lost the desire to watch westerns after that and not only that. The horrible title song featuring the lead actor himself made all our joy in life slowly drain out of us. Because it had been painted as something out of the ordinary. A cheesy and star-studded western that was supposed to place the competition six feet underground, but it didn’t turn out that way. Instead, we got a film that was almost unremarkable. Smith and Kevin Kline as federal agents sent to stop a megalomaniac, wheelchair-bound steampunk scientist traveling the Wild West in his giant robot spider. It was so utterly stupid that the clocks literally stopped and the excess knew no bounds. Everyone played over and even though it was a comedy, there was no humor at all. Possibly if you were eight years old and talking about eight. Eight Razzies it was nominated for and it scooped up five of them so good job, like. It was just to state that Little Gerhard was right in The Last of the Mohicans, the Wild West was not the same as before.
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The disastrous 2004 Catwoman flop has taught us many important things since its release. Not trusting directors with mononyms was, for example, a useful lesson. We also learned that you shouldn’t let a brain-damaged monkey with severe epilepsy edit movies. Above all, we also learned that the line between Oscar-winner hotness and superhero stunner can be very fine, as was the case for poor Halle Berry. Falling from Monster’s Ball sweetheart to back-first BDSM bimbo couldn’t have been an easy step and even though she only lost one of her nine lives, it was hard to wash her worthless effort from our memories. Catwoman was simply sketched out in the litter box in an era where Hollywood still couldn’t really pull off really good comic book movies and this hairball to film production was an additional example of the cluelessness of the industry. Catwoman as a film was truly unbearable in its frenetic music video narrative, stroking our hair as soon as the director had the chance. The world would have been better off tossing Catwoman in a sack and then tossing it into the nearest well.
(03) The Last Airbender
That the once highly regarded M. Night Shyamalan would appear here was hardly surprising to the site’s film fanatics. Ranking Shyamalan’s mega-turkeys, on the other hand, has proven to be an all the more difficult task, but we were all touchingly in agreement that the rape of The Last Airbender here ranks among the untitled filmmaker’s very darkest moments. Shyamalan was apparently a big fan of the Nickelodeon hit, which unfortunately didn’t show in the slightest during the painful film adaptation. Where the award-winning TV series constantly amazed and surprised, the film was more of a soulless imitation that did not understand the magic of the publisher at all and it feels more like an artificial intelligence put together a film adaptation, as the whole thing felt mechanically and inhumanly produced. The effects mostly looked like they were done in MS Paint and there are so many incompetent sequences and terrible acting that we immediately wanted to seal ourselves in a block of ice like Aang (whose name is mispronounced throughout the film). In short, few adaptations can match Shyamalan’s pathetic cinematic interpretation of an otherwise superb family show…
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(02) Battlefield Earth
Of course, John Travolta hoped to make history with the film adaptation of the Scientologist father’s science fiction book from the 80s. He did, but not in the way they had hoped and today Battlefield Earth is not only considered one of the biggest movie flops of all time – it could be seen as nothing more than one big joke. Like many of today’s so-bad-it’s-good experiences, Battlefield Earth is delicious in its bloody seriousness, especially when everything else is oozing with ass. It certainly didn’t help that both direction and camera were handled by a drunk who angled every damned shot, but it also indicated that an intoxicated state was the only proper way to view Battlefield Earth. Battlefield Earth is pure comedy gold, where box office poison Travolta offered both cheese and ham as the overacting security chief Terl in a Bob Marley sizzle and who seemed to suck out all the talent from his colleagues with his concentrated rottenness. Scenes like when Terl shoves a rat screaming into Berry Pepper’s butt, believing that rats were part of the human food pyramid, we scream and laugh until the living room tilts 50 degrees and there are so many idiotic decisions in the script that film schools around the world should study them the idiotic dialogues to prevent a movie in the same useless class as Battlefield Earth from being unleashed on the world again.
The worst blockbuster of all time:
(01) The Happening
Mark Wahlberg has admitted it himself. That The Happening is a lousy film and that he regrets his participation and really it should be enough with the quote “You know, hot dogs get a bad rep. They got a cool shape, they got protein. You like hot dogs, don’t you ?” to cement this claim but there is so much to be gleaned from this inexhaustible source of misery that we don’t quite know where to begin, or stop. Now it must also be said that Marky does not walk away from guilt here because even if M. Night Shyamalan’s script where the trees were the killer stank like a pile of manure in the summer sun, so did his acting, to put it mildly. He looked pissed off and surprised at the same time, with a perpetually furrowed brow and raised eyebrows. The stiff dialogues, sometimes with people other times with a ficus (Eds note: the plant). From time to time we had to pinch ourselves to see if we were not in a veritable nightmare after all, but unfortunately it was not. It was real and we had to undergo therapy throughout the film editing. It then took many years, until today in fact, before we could talk about our experience. Instead we tried to repress it and pretend it never happened, that something so horrible could never have happened but that’s the way with traumatic events, they have the ability to come back and bite you in the ass when you least expect it so thanks for that André and your article idea.
No, of course everyone involved should have been stopped. With a chair in the face. Or at least a serious foot should have been put down and someone should have roared that “no, that’s enough now, do you have a screw loose the whole bunch?” At least someone responsible should have said that if the film is to be given the green light after all, it cannot under any circumstances be called thriller or horror, possibly satire. Then at least you could have saved face reasonably well. Not that the film would have been better for it, because it would still have been an abomination of a rarely seen kind, but at least then it wouldn’t have been sold on false premises. We can sometimes still wake up in the middle of the night, at the same time, in different cities, in a cold sweat and scream in unison right into the dark, THE TREES DID IT! It’s hard to put into words a meltdown like this but Mark actually said it best himself, “Fucking trees, man. The plants. Fuck it.”
What are the ten worst blockbusters you’ve ever seen?