When Ida Christensen was 16 years old, her parents divorced. It was only when she read an article about other adults who shared their experiences surrounding her parents’ divorce that she realized how much her parents’ divorce affected her.
– I was somehow not aware before that, that there were others who experienced much of the same thing, she says to Good Morning Norway.
AFFECTED IN ADULT: Ida Christensen was not aware of how much the divorce had affected her. Photo: Knut Erik Skistad / Good morning Norway
She says that the feelings she had around her parents’ divorce were about conflict of loyalty, that you feel a lot of responsibility, homelessness and the importance you get in the family as a child.
– You can somehow become a source of conflict, of joy and of sorrow, she says.
Now she talks about the findings.
Talked about too little
Psychologist and couples therapist Sissel Gran has for several years worked and written about the topic of divorce and how it affects children.
She believes that one of the reasons why we don’t talk about this much is because we have been fighting for divorce rights for several years, and that it is something we don’t want to take away.
– There is a discomfort associated with it. Because it is so common, it is also not so problematic. It is not so shameful anymore, now it will be normalized. But neither for the adults nor for the children is it easy, even though it is common.
FORGET TO ADDRESS: Psychologist Sissel Gran believes that you need to talk about the kind of legacy you inherit as a child of divorce. Photo: Knut Erik Skistad / Good morning Norway
Gran believes that even if the statistics gossip that divorce is common, it is not common for those affected.
She says that it affects the children more than the adults, because the children often have nothing to say.
The psychologist says that we are talking about how it affects the children in terms of distribution of the children, whether they should have shared residence or not, and how much the children should be with their mother and with their father.
But she means one thing we forget to mention:
– About how it feels and what kind of legacy you inherit as a child of divorce.
The divorce also affects the children in adulthood
Christensen has spoken to 50 young adults about how they have experienced their parents’ divorce. It has become the book “Children of divorce – stories from young adults”.
Christensen says that the people behind these quotes still feel that this is a part of them, and that it affects them in adulthood.
Lowest number of divorces in 40 years
The author says that more people feel that they still have to take their parents into account, that you have to divide up family gatherings such as Christmas, and that you have to think about whether mother and father can get together at a wedding. Some also struggle with detachment.
– You are still very much there for your parents, and perhaps at the expense of yourself, says Christensen.
Should be researched more
Gran believes that more research should be done on how children are affected by their parents’ divorce.
She wonders if it might be more difficult for children of divorce to achieve a good separation and independence process from their parents, because the children are so used to taking them into account.
– So I think that parents who live together, even if they may not live together well, are almost easier for children to detach from.
The psychologist goes on to say that the parents can then continue to argue and be together, but that the children do not need to take that into account.
– But the day they break up and mum might be worse off than dad or vice versa, then you have to break free and be allowed to live your own life. It is perhaps more difficult because you are a bit glued to the two adults who constantly want a piece of you, and constantly ask you: “When will you come to me?”, “How much will you be with me?” and “Are you coming to me this Christmas or not?”, she says and continues:
– So that it is more difficult for the children to say: “You, now I want my own”.
Wants to take the experience with him further in life
The author says that many children of divorce, including herself, may need help talking about or processing their parents’ divorce.
Marna Haugen opens up about the divorce: – We realized that it was over
– You think you are so passionately alone about the experiences you have had. Also, there are actually quite universal and common experiences, but which you have doubted out of loyalty and have not spoken about openly.
Gran believes that many children carry on the legacy and feelings surrounding their parents’ divorce – also into adulthood.
She believes that the children will always take the experience with them further in life. This is even though some children are happy that their parents separated, and have had a good life on their own.
– When the parents separate, it is an end for them, but it is often a beginning for the children, concludes Ida Christensen.
