When Linda Nyman could not perform, she felt that she was not good enough: “Today I know that I am enough as I am”

Three years ago, Linda Nyman’s goal was to play EC football with Helmarit and to establish herself as a football professional in the Italian league. Instead, she was drawn into a hurricane that led to a life crisis.

In January 2020, Linda Nyman lived her dream. She had not minded staying one more season in Swedish Kungsbacka, but had unexpectedly been offered and signed a contract with the Italian big club Inter in Milan.

Just half a year later, a snowball was set in motion. A snowball that got bigger and bigger as it rolled from Italy to Spain and from there on to Denmark. There it crashed.

In November 2021, Linda Nyman had hit rock bottom, as she herself puts it.

– When I broke my contract in Denmark, it was like I gave myself permission to feel all the emotions I had suppressed for a year and a half.

The shock of learning about the congenital heart defect, the disappointment at the intransigence of the Italian FA, the rush and pressure to catch up after a whole year of missed games, the destructive feedback from the Spanish coach, the repeated panic attack, the regret of a failed club choice and more end – the shame.

Shame at not being able to perform and shame at having to admit that all that happened was too much for her.

– When everything is going well, it is easy to say that you are so much more than a football player, but when everything goes downhill, it really becomes concrete that you have to find other reasons why you are good, states Nyman in Sportliv.

After going through a personal crisis, the 29-year-old finally noticed last fall that the good days began to outnumber the bad.

Watch Sportliv’s mini-documentary about Linda Nyman’s nightmare year and the way back:

When everything crashes – Linda Nyman about the heart failure, the panic attacks and the shame that forced her to rethink

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Play on the Arena

The dream of the European Championship finals

It was a classmate who lured Linda Nyman to the first football practice at home in Karleby about twenty years ago. She received her football upbringing in local GBK, but moved after high school to Esbolaget Honka. She played her first international match in the U19 national team ten years ago and in 2018 she made her A national team debut.

In 2019, Nyman played in Kungsbacka in Sweden and despite the fact that things went badly for the team, she herself managed to perform at a high level. When the qualifiers for European Championship 2021 began in autumn 2019, Linda Nyman was included in Finland’s starting eleven. The dream was to play in the EC finals with Helmarit.

When the corona pandemic broke out, the EC qualifiers were halfway through. After that, there were no more qualifying matches and finally no EC for Linda Nyman.

Ultrasound examination led to nightmare wounds

In connection with Linda signing the contract with Inter, normal health checks were carried out, such as she had been through many times before. Everything was as it should be and she was found to be fit to play.

During the corona break, the players were sent home and Linda had a good time in Karleby, where she could train outdoors with a group of track and field athletes. In terms of form, she was at her peak when the players were called back to Milan in July.

As some of the players had contracted covid, the club wanted to do more detailed heart examinations to be sure that there was nothing that could affect the training.

During the ultrasound examination of Linda’s heart, a congenital heart defect was discovered, which, according to the Italian doctors, would prevent her from playing football at the elite level.

Linda remembers several doctors having a loud conversation in Italian around her. She herself understood nothing.

– It felt completely absurd. It felt like they were talking to someone else because I wasn’t at all prepared for something like that. Of course I broke down then and there.

The time that followed was tough. She had to go for a variety of tests and in the meantime was not allowed to participate in the team’s training. Not even following along to the training plan.

– Mostly I was alone and tried to make the time go as well as possible. Thankfully, I had nice teammates who really cared about me.

After a couple of months, she decided to go to Finland to consult a Finnish cardiologist.

I tried to hold on to hope as long as possible, but then realized that it was unnecessary to fight

― Linda Nyman

After months of examinations, the congenital heart defect was also confirmed in Finland, while the verdict regarding Linda’s continued football career was completely different.

According to the doctor, there was nothing to indicate that she would be at a greater risk than others of having heart problems and that according to the health protocols that apply in Europe and America, she was fully fit to play.

In Italy, however, the rules were different. There is zero tolerance for heart defects.

– We tried to have a dialogue with the doctor in Italy and I tried to hold out hope for as long as possible, but then realized that it was unnecessary to fight.

Felt pressure to come again

After the news from Italy, she felt pressure to catch up. Not least because the EC playoffs, which had been postponed a year, were still looming.

She had played her last match in March 2020 and therefore in January 2021 took up an offer from the Spanish league where she would get a lot of playing time.

But the time in Logroño did not turn out as she had imagined.

– It was a very tough time in my career. Mainly because mentally maybe I wasn’t where I should have been. It felt like I was trying to catch up with time, which obviously doesn’t work.

With hindsight, Linda states that in that situation she would have needed a slightly softer environment to get back to football. The team’s coach had been fired and the new, according to Linda not so modern coach, had a lot of pressure on him.

It affected the players, including her. For example, the coach could stop training and stand in front of Linda and scold her about something she did in a match several weeks earlier.

– In the end it was just a matter of trying to survive and get to training and matches. It is not a good starting point to be able to perform at your best level.

Panic attack showed that everything was not right

Before what would be Linda Nyman’s last match in Spain, she had a panic attack.

– I had had a few panic attacks before, but not at that level. And never out in public. It was actually a bit scary and at the same time a bit embarrassing. There and then it felt like a shame.

When she also had breathing difficulties during the exercises, she realized that it was time to contact a psychologist.

The idea behind the move to Spain was that she would start enjoying football again and make up for the games she missed, but both the place and the time were wrong.

Destructive pursuit of lost time

The psychologist concluded that Linda was close to breaking the bank and encouraged her to take a break from football. But she still felt pressure from the outside to make up for lost time. In the back of my mind was the dream of the EC playoffs.

So there was no break.

Instead, against her better judgment, she accepted an offer from Aarhus in the Danish league.

– I didn’t feel well there at all. I went to the practices, trained, went to the matches, played, but kept hoping during the matches that I would be replaced.

The memories from the six months she spent in Denmark are still blurry and when the chance arose, she plucked up the courage to break her contract.

At the end of 2021, she moved home to her parents in Karleby. It was then that she hit rock bottom.

– I had perhaps lived in a small bubble of just performing football, so the biggest feeling that emerged was that you are not good enough if you cannot perform. That you are not enough if you are not the best at what you do.

Linda felt that she had let herself and her goals down, but also those around her. She was sad that she couldn’t play – and at the same time sad that she didn’t really want to play.

In Karleby, she rejoined the athletics training group and noticed that she really enjoyed moving. Little by little, she also put her soccer shoes back on and went to Kipparihallen to train with her father.

During the spring of 2022, she began to feel that maybe she wanted to continue with football after all, but that in that case it had to happen in a safe environment. She decided to contact HJK’s coach Jonne Kunnas, who welcomed her into the team with open arms.

Unfortunately, almost immediately she suffered a major injury that caused her to miss almost the entire season.

– Despite that, I could find so much other good in it all. And I could really enjoy football again. And it’s not something I take for granted anymore.

Don’t want to be a victim

The process of coming out of the depths finally took a whole year.

– There was a lot of thinking back and forth, talking about and kneading. The process is not linear but it goes up and down. But last fall it started to feel like there were more good days than bad.

Throughout the process, she has thought that she does not want to be a victim of what happened to her. On the contrary, she has thought that it is something that strengthens her and that makes her the person she is.

Today, Linda Nyman knows that she does not need to perform. She is a good person to herself and everyone around her. She is a good dog keeper and she is a good aunt to her brother’s sons.

– I know that I am enough as I am.

After going through her personal crisis, she would like to give advice to others who are not feeling well.

– I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing or what, but it feels like we Finns have a very hard time asking for help. But if you go and think about whether it would be smart to talk to a professional, or have someone in your environment who dares to say it out loud to you, then that is a signal that it is probably a good idea.