Many people ask me on social media why they can’t forgive their partners or forget their infidelity. Infidelity is “a scratch on the hard drive,” as Walter Riso says. The floor moves you, like the suicide of someone you love moves it. You question everything, you get depressed, you suffer a drop in self-esteem and much more. But if the couple seeks help and admits “their part in this pie,” the relationship can continue. And, sometimes, grow by overcoming conflict.
Undoubtedly, there are people who cannot forget or forgive. In my consultation I have treated women and men who, five years after infidelity, continue repeating the same thing and making life impossible for the other. And in other cases, it is not years, but a whole life of reproach. And even at the moment of death the pain continues… although they never divorced.
I’m not trying to justify infidelity. He doesn’t need it, he’s too popular. I’m not defending her either. It is as old as the planet Earth, and every day it has more followers, despite the terrible consequences and misfortunes it causes to those involved and not involved, as is the case of children.
Because it happens?
People who were abandoned by their father or mother cannot resist another abandonment. And all the anger they had—or have—against the one who left, they unload on the partner who deceives them, betrays them or tries to replace them with someone else. It is as if that unresolved issue from childhood was added to the present.
As couples and family therapists, we know that people “choose” someone similar to that mom or dad. And they repeat the pattern, wanting to overcome it or punish the one who left. It is also common in very jealous people, who grew up in an environment of comparisons or sibling predilections. It’s like having an open wound, which has never healed, and someone pours plenty of sour lemon on it.
I know of cases of mothers who send their daughters to “look for their father and confirm if he was with the other one.” And of parents who take their children to
meet his lover, putting them in a terrible conflict of loyalty. If I tell mom, I fail dad; If I don’t tell her, I’ll fail mom.
There are not just three possibilities, but many. What is clear is that emotional wounds that do not close or heal over time rot. Unless your partner is a sex addict, a Don Juan or playboy, both are responsible for any infidelity. Although the unfaithful is the most responsible.
When two people are well, there is no room for a third. In pairs there are always small holes, so take care of your card so you don’t get bingo.
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