The separation of the parents It is a very difficult situation and even more so for children who always want to see their parents together and be a happy family. The psychological damage in the boys will be reflected in their behavior; some are rebellious, antisocial and have low self-esteem.
Álvaro Hinostroza, a professor of Psychology at UPC, explains how separation or divorce affects children and what are the recommendations for the family to overcome this situation.
PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE TO CHILDREN AFTER DIVORCE
What psychological damage could children have in the face of a separation?
Let’s think of an 11 or 12-year-old boy who suddenly receives a failing grade, we understand that the minor will have different reactions, such as crying, despairing or scared, thinking that everything is wrong or suddenly that at home it will be resounded. With this example, I want to make it clear that the consequences of a separation in a child will depend on the personal characteristics that he has adopted, the stage of development in which he is and the personality of the person.
HOW TO ASSESS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE IN THE MINOR
To assess the psychological damage, we would have to consider the stage of development in which it is located, we must also take into account how the family dynamics have been taking place, I think we should say that it is definitely going to be a difficult situation to bear. It can be more harmful, if the personality shows low self-esteem or it could be that dad and mom appreciated them very solidly and something absolutely unexpected such as separation comes, causing great pain.
How can children deal with the separation of their parents?
Again, let’s imagine a child who falls and suddenly hits his knee, what he manages to do is scream and get scared, when he gets older, he suffers the same inconvenience and tries to get up and get closer to mom and dad, and so on until he He himself can be cured without the need for support, so it seems to me that it ends up being important to consider what the environment should provide to that minor, also depending on the stage of development in which he is.
Parallel to this we must understand that there is psychic reality and natural reality, the natural reality may be that dad and mom were not getting along and have separated by mutual agreement, psychic reality happens when the child thinks about the reason for the separation drawing a conclusion that may not be the true one, leading him to pain.
CHILDREN NEED EMOTIONAL SUPPORT
I think it’s important that parents can provide the right reasons, and have the courage to tell them what’s going on, provide social support and go visit, rather than children being able to do something, I think parents have to provide the structure to the minor
What should parents do when their children don’t want them to get divorced?
The couple or family relationship is a matter for mom and dad, children should not have such an active or influential participation, there are non-negotiable aspects, for example, one does not ask a 3-year-old child if he wants to eat vegetables.
I do believe that we should take into account what he tells us, and work with him on that, but the first idea is that the child is not the one who decides, we should not attribute to him the responsibility of such an important decision that must be made by the parents.
It is important to explain to them why they separate, they -the children- realize the separation, and it is very likely that the children can express their fears.
HOW PARENTS SHOULD HANDLE A SEPARATION
The first thing is that this decision should not be made with a hot head, you must have a very cold look for something so important, you should not make a decision based on passion and I am not talking about someone who gets upset, knocks on the door and leaves. goes, but also under the fact that the parents state that they do not separate because of the children, as if implying that they are being superheroes, which I think has to be seen from four steps back and broaden the panorama a bit of that sentence, which is what I am teaching my son from my house, which is what he is seeing, how he is building that idea of family.
On the other hand, when the separation is a fact, you should talk to the children, but of course, until they start thinking about the separation, they could resort to couples therapy, to see if some strategies could help to recover a little balance. they had and it was lost.
Another recommendation is that all this is a blow to the child, so it is important that this process can take advantage of the advice of a psychologist to protect this moment of regret, sadness. In psychology, there is no single recipe, you have to see the cases individually.
Finally, it is important that parents can feel emotionally well, if there is damage to the parents, the children will also assume it, which is why it is important to take care of their own emotional stability, understanding that it is difficult, but it is a process that they must adapt.
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