Cases of massive bullying in German schools shock us again and again. Most recently, the incredible murder of Luise in Freudenberg in North Rhine-Westphalia caused bewilderment. Bullying via TikTok is also said to have played a role here.
Annika L. (28) has been so upset by the reports of the past few weeks that she turned to FOCUS online. She wants to tell about her bullying experiences. For the first time in her life, she openly describes who and what made her school days horrible – and what gives her at least some hope now.
The teacher and “my slippery hands”
My name is Annika*, I am now 28 years old and have had to experience bullying almost the entire time I was at school.
In elementary school I had the same class teacher for four years, who had me on my toes from day one. Unfortunately, we had lessons with her in every subject. In physical education we had to practice bouncing with the basketball, as a small little girl I could hardly control the heavy ball.
My “patschehandchen” was criticized by the teacher. Also, when I was doing sports, she often commented that she would like to “smack me against the wall” if I could no longer do endurance exercises and took a break panting.
In normal lessons, disparaging comments were made about how strangely I held the chalk when I had to go to the blackboard, that I wasn’t as fast at mental arithmetic as the others, that I walked too slowly, spoke too quietly and many other things.
Bullying at school: “I hoped every single day that my teacher was sick”
I hoped every single day that my teacher was sick and that we would have lessons with a substitute. In second or third grade, I sprained my elbow during recess. I had to cry to my class teacher, who moved her arm roughly and said everything was fine. I had to get through the rest of the school day in pain. After school my mother took me to the doctor and fortunately I was on sick leave for the rest of the week.
After elementary school, I thought things would get better now. Not even close. From the beginning of the 5th grade I was bullied by other students. Only with expressions like “Hey 80s” and “curly hair”. Those were the most harmless. I was ten years old at the time and had beautiful blond angelic curls that most would spend a lot of money on at the hairdresser’s.
For many, these insults don’t seem so bad in hindsight, but hearing those words of hate uttered specifically at you little girl every, really every single day is really hard and can destroy a child’s soul. And from so many different people that it felt like the whole school participated.
My mother thought I was exaggerating – she wanted me to ignore the bullying
There were several (at least six) bullying situations every day; before class begins, during breaks, on the way home. Once (I was in 5th grade and eleven years old) I was so insulted by an older classmate and his buddies (about 15-16 years old) on the way home that I started to cry.
His jokes revolved around how he would like to have a child by me and compared me to a rapper who probably had a similar haircut to mine. When I was level with him, he tried to kick me off the bike. Luckily, my class teacher at the time happened to drop by and took on the guys.
I shared many of the situations with my mother, who seemed to put it off and told me to ignore it. I don’t know if she thought I was exaggerating in my stories because she didn’t seem to understand how helpless I felt.
Otherwise I had a good relationship with her and my family. So I think that she herself didn’t know how to deal with the whole thing and what the best advice to give me would be.
I pretended to wash my hands and alternated between the cubicle and the sink until the break was over
My time in secondary school was tormented by the constant attacks. Every day I was being insulted by so many different students that I felt like the whole school was involved.
Even my classmates, who only defended me during the break, soon turned away from me in annoyance. This made me an even easier target and since we weren’t allowed to stay in the classroom during the break, I sat alone in front of the locked room door or fled to the toilet. I pretended to wash my hands and alternated between the cubicle and the sink until the break was over.
I often imagined that it was just because we were all too immature and that my classmates and I would soon get along well. Like the nice-sounding 10th grade girls laughing and joking with each other outside the cabin door.
Due to the changing courses, I had many classmates, many of whom didn’t like me. They teased me openly by emptying the trash can over me when the teacher wasn’t there, or subtly by refusing to do group work with me and ignoring me.
In my stories I had “friends”
So I almost always had to do group and partner work alone and got worse grades because I couldn’t do as well as a group. The teachers didn’t seem to care.
In physical education I was always chosen last, and with great protest, on school trips, when we had to split up into groups, we were told things like “We had them last time, now you have to take them again” and the like.
The teacher just sat at the desk and ignored the whole thing. When we went on a school trip, the others left me immediately and I had to go through the zoo or the museum village alone.
At home I had given up telling my mother how I was doing and that I had no friends. Who would voluntarily admit something like that? I had lowered my standards to the point where I would call someone a friend if he or she said hello to me just once or didn’t insult me. So in my stories I had “friends”.
The teachers just told me how to change
So I tried to get the time up to graduation over with as quickly as possible. There were several conversations with teachers and classmates that were all about what I should change about myself so that others would like me and do something to me. In hindsight, the totally wrong approach. I tried anyway. Of course, nothing changed in terms of living together and the behavior of others.
And the bullying wasn’t just limited to school. Even when I was cycling alone or skating at the lake, there were always these groups of young people who recognized me immediately and threw insults at me.
It also happened on the way to a children’s Halloween party. I had gotten a witch hat from the toy store that had long gray hair. I went to great lengths to hide my own hair under the hat, confident that no one would bother me about my hair. And with make-up and costume nobody would recognize me anyway, I thought in childish naivety.
I set off on my bike in a good mood. Unfortunately, the bullies were already on the next street corner. I don’t know if they lived in that high-rise building or just happened to be there. In any case, they recognized me immediately and started shouting insults at me. I almost cried on the bike and tried to outrun them. Luckily I managed that, but they still spoiled my anticipation for the party.
They grabbed my hair and took pictures of me giggling
A different situation took place during confirmation classes. I stood outside with my group and waited for the class to start. A few older teenagers came by, maybe they had just been to class. They immediately singled me out from among the children, made fun of me with silly sayings and laughed at me. Then they came up to me, grabbed my hair and took pictures of me, giggling. The other children did nothing to help me.
I fled inside with tears in my eyes and sat on the stairwell until class started. Alone. Outwardly I tried to ignore it all, but inwardly I was getting sadder and sadder. All over the world I felt that there were only people who insulted me.
During the chaos days at the end of the school year, I hoped that my relationship with the others would finally improve, as I had experienced in the years before. Listen to music, have fun, tease the teachers. Instead, I just wished the day was over quickly because I was being ignored again and left to wander around on my own. I was happy to finally talk to the others about future plans and joke about teachers. None of that happened.
After graduating, I began training in a social profession. I had high hopes this time that everything would finally get better. After all, the others were more mature now and surely only nice and social people would be in this profession.
Others were reluctant to work with me
In the beginning it seemed like that and I got along well with some people. Then the first misunderstandings arose when we had to do group work and I was totally overwhelmed by the situation. The others went through the class and put their groups together almost on demand. I didn’t know what to do, I had almost always worked alone before. The teacher finally assigned me to a group.
I was working on my topic at home and thought it was the right thing to do. At school the others had apparently already agreed without me. And instead of asking me if I had done anything, they waited to see what I would do.
As I said, I was overwhelmed with the new situation and also waited for when we would throw our things together. That didn’t happen, instead comments came from the side like “everybody helps in a group”, “well, I’ve finished my things a long time ago” and the like.
The whole thing so quiet that I didn’t know if they were addressed to me or not. So I didn’t know what to do or how to react. When I then asked them if my stuff was correct and if I should take notes on the poster, they were reluctant to cooperate with me so as not to jeopardize their grade.
I dropped out because I didn’t want history to repeat itself
After that, the others didn’t like me anymore, they started to ignore me when I wanted to chat with them and I was left alone. For fear of rejection, as I had already experienced, I did not dare to have a clarifying conversation with the others.
The class atmosphere seemed poisoned to me, I was totally sad that it was starting again and thought about giving up the training. After a while I did too. I didn’t want the whole story to repeat itself and be teased for years again.
After that I had to take sick leave and went to my family doctor, who diagnosed me with depression and recommended inpatient treatment. I was prescribed medication at a clinic. The doctors there could tell that something was wrong with me, but they didn’t know what either.
Being diagnosed with Asperger’s autism was like a light in deep darkness
Only when a new doctor joined the team did she have the right instincts. I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Autism. And that explained all my difficulties at once. It was a great realization after years of guesswork, like a light in deep darkness. I’m still in therapy to this day to deal with my autism and years of bullying. And to this day I feel the consequences.
I have low self-confidence, don’t like myself, am afraid of large youth groups (even though I’m an adult), have a hard time making friends and many other things. This is my experience of bullying. They have left deep and incurable scars on my soul.
*Name changed by editors
