Sergeant Catherine Cawood rode into a Himalayan sunset on Sunday evening, leaving death, carnage and some of the craziest praise you will ever read in the papers in her wake.
“Happy Valley,” claimed one writer, who didn’t watch much TV, “was the best show ever.” Which was not the case.
Sergeant Catherine Cawood headed out into a Himalayan sunset on Sunday evening as Happy Valley came to an end[/caption]
James Norton’s Tommy Lee Royce caught fire at the end of the episode[/caption]
Which was not the case.
“Happy Valley,” said someone else, offering a little more perspective, “was the greatest crime drama of all time.”
Which was still not the case.
Craziest of the lot, however, inevitably came from The Guardian, which had commissioned former senior Met police officer Dal Babu to develop the following theme: “Happy Valley shows how policing should be exercised.”
Really?
It’s alarming news if that’s the case, because the fictional Yorkshire plod didn’t dispatch a helicopter when murderous psychopath Tommy Lee Royce was on the loose, the photo they released to the press seemed having been taken in its early days at Grantchester and there were no armed guards posted outside Cawood’s Hebden Bridge house.
There wouldn’t have been any in real life either, until the fugitive sent out a transphobic tweet.
The inevitable conclusion to all of Dal’s self-serving talk, however, was that the BBC1 series had shown that ‘diversity matters’.
Well, up to a point, Dal, I guess.
This point being the very obvious truth that writer Sally Wainwright is either unwilling or completely unable to write significant male characters, almost all of whom ended up dead or under arrest in the Happy Valley finale.
Rest? Neil, Rhys, Nev, Daniel and Richard just disappeared into the gloom of Yorkshire while poor old DSU Andy Shepherd shook his stupid old man’s head at the brilliance of Cawood, who had also solved the murder of Joanna Hepworth on a piece of toast at Alison Garrs’ apartment.
And then, of course, there’s Tommy Lee Royce himself, who is my biggest beef with Happy Valley.
Because, as TV villains and bogeymen say, he just kinda sucked, didn’t he?
And wouldn’t have had any impact if they hadn’t found someone as talented and photogenic as James Norton to infuse it with some sort of intrigue and menace.
Even he, however, couldn’t do much with the final showdown, where 20 minutes alone with family photo albums and photos of his son Ryan was enough to turn him into a sobbing sentimental wreck and leave 50 % of viewers feel sorry for him.
That’s not the conclusion you had to draw, but I had similar thoughts because of the dialogue, which started to sound like one of Vic and Bob’s old sketches on Living Carpets just before it s ‘fire.
“Kiss my ass.” “No, you don’t care.” “Sanctimonious bitch.” “Fuck you, moron.” “Fuck you, bitch.”
Lots more of that and you too might have set yourself on fire, although that shouldn’t blind us to the incredible turn Sally Wainwright did with Happy Valley.
Endings, as both Game Of Thrones and Line Of Duty have demonstrated, aren’t easy and tend to go awry when a show has gone on too long.
But she, whether you thought it was a good episode or not, put all the threads together, right down to the “I like dick” graffiti on Rob Hepworth’s car.
Indeed, the only real indulgence—and it was beautiful—was Gorkem Tekeli applying for the fictitious position of Alien Liaison Officer.
It’s an attention to detail unmatched anywhere else on national television, although I don’t for a moment think the success of Happy Valley will benefit our schedules, which will likely become even more crowded with white male psychopaths and female corpses. .
It’s a mercy that Wainwright and the remarkable actress who played Cawood will have too much work and integrity to bring back their greatest creation.
But, I promise you, even as the end credits rolled, all the biggest dorks in TV documentaries were thinking the same thing: “Sarah Lancashire’s Road To The Himalayas: A Very Personal Journey Into Blah and Blah Blah Blah.”
Unexpected goons in the bagging area
Suzie Lee didn’t know Anne Widdecombe is the MP behind Widdyweb[/caption]
CELEBRITY Mastermind, Clive Myrie: “What is the name of the narrow channel that separates the Isle of Wight from mainland England?”
Suzie Lee, from Lisburn, Northern Ireland: “The Irish Sea”.
Clive Myrie: “Which former Tory MP and Strictly Come Dancing candidate calls his website the Widdyweb?”
Suzie Lee: “Darcey Bussell”.
Clive Myrie: “What’s the usual six-letter term for a thin slice of bacon meant to be grilled or fried?”
Remi Burgz: “A slab.”
CHANNEL 4 Ofcom-backed rules: “Programs dealing with matters of political or industry controversy or matters relating to current public policy must be duly impartial.”
Channel 4, Friday evening, The Last Leg, Adam Hills: “What do we think of the strikes? We support you, don’t we? »
Michelle de Swarte: “Yeah. David Tennant: “Of course.”
Channel 4, taking the p**s since 1982.
Great sports ideas
KRIS BOYD: “The hardest thing to do is keep it simple.”
Paul Merson: “Newcastle had chances but not what you would call good chances. Longstaff and Wilson had good chances, however.
Rachel Brown-Finnis: “Arsenal showed character, depth and also character.”
(Compiled by Graham Wray)
Incidentally, amid all her lies and evasions, Shamima Begum told BBC2 on Tuesday that she should be allowed to return to Britain to tell young people how stupid she was to run away and join the cult of death of ISIS.
A service that she already renders perfectly at the sight of it rotting in this Syrian desert swept by flies.
So maybe just leave it there, hey.
BARBIE BEYOND MY KEN
JOBBIE-BOTHERING Scottish twins Alana and Lisa Macfarlane continue to go where angels fear to dive on Channel 4’s Know Your St: Inside Our Guts.
Among the patients this week were firefighter Wayne, who said his stool “looked like a pat”, without specifying whether it was Nevin or Jennings, and a South African woman called Carmel, who claimed that ‘She suffered from bloating and “moods”.
Ellie says her ‘disintegrating colon’ left her with no choice but to have ‘a Barbie ass’[/caption]
A condition previously unknown to medical science, until the subtitles read: “Wet farts.”
The one that really jumped out at me and left the twins looking for a decent follow-up question, however, was a gleefully defiant woman called Ellie, who revealed her “disintegrating colon” left her with no choice but to get “a Barbie”. butt,” before going on to explain, “A Barbie butt is where you have your butt removed and sewn up.
(Break) . . . “And the meetings and all that?”
Well, I can’t comment on behalf of other guys, but Ken agrees because he doesn’t have any genitals.
A QUICK reminder that the second series of Clarkson’s Farm (the so-called “Ow! F***” series) is hitting Amazon today.
I’ll drop a longer review when the column returns on February 24, but think the show is so funny, beautiful, and educational that it should urge you to get a subscription, if you don’t already have one, and cancel it if Amazon ever loose enough to drop Clarkson.
Random television irritations
CLIVE MYRIE stating: “You don’t have to be a celebrity to participate in the regular Mastermind.” (Or the celebrity version).
Josh Widdicombe of The Last Leg chilled me to the bone by accidentally calling Angela Rayner “the Deputy Prime Minister.”
The utterly deranged suggestion, prompted by the success of Happy Valley, that television suffers from a lack of middle-aged female police officers.
And Matt Hancock, who left politics to pursue “exciting opportunities,” which we now find out include sitting two seats behind Paul Chuckle in the Dancing On Ice audience.
Paul, you’re better than that.
lookalike of the week
ON EastEnders, terminally ill, Lola asks, “What will happen if I die. . . when I die?”
7/1 Postcode Lottery commercials, 3/1 Dancing On Ice and it’s even money to “rest”.
Gold Television
PUTIN against the West (BBC2). Bill Maher’s glorious demolition of a “woke revolution” on Real Time: “You think you can change reality by yelling at it? »
Thousands of Welsh fans shouting Delilah, in defiance of the WRU crackpot banning order, at the Six Nations.
Duhan van der Merwe’s ‘mic drop’ try in Scotland’s last win over England.
And a punter called Paul Stratton who made every football fan’s dream come true by replacing his team (Everton), on Michael McIntyre’s Big Show.
And wasn’t as awful as Dele Alli either.
MEANWHILE, on Friday’s edition of Amanda & Alan’s Italian Job building renovation show, Amanda Holden said: ‘I don’t think I thought about the cracks and rendering and possible issues that were going to go wrong with the plaster.
“I thought, a lick of paint would be enough.”
And I’m still not 100% sure if she meant the building renovation or the hair and makeup.
Big TV lies and delusions
The John Bishop Show, host: “Nicola Sturgeon is like that geography teacher you like but you don’t know why.”
Although it might be because you are a pupil at the Royal Blind School in Edinburgh.
