Lisa (40) braved the shame: – I do it for my son

The candles and Christmas balls are still in their boxes. The tree hasn’t been put up and it’s only days until Christmas Eve.

Lisa Jarnæs (40) usually has her decorations ready no later than the first Sunday in Advent. This year it is different. What has always been her favorite holiday is no longer so.

– Christmas should be a time of joy, love and togetherness. A time when you can enjoy making others happy. Now it has only hurt, says Lisa.

A little reluctantly, she pulls out the box with the small Christmas tree, which has been wedged between the sofa and a chair.

– I wasn’t actually sure if I would bother to put up the tree this year at all, she says.

A difficult choice

Whether you like it or not, Christmas comes at the same time every year.

After setting up the tree and stringing it in with lights, Lisa puts the star in the place of honor.

– No matter how you look at it, Christmas costs more than the rest of the year. And when the rest of the year has been so tough, Christmas won’t be a breeze.

The first balls to fit on a branch are red, with the names “Lisa” and “Tobias” written in white loop script.

This year the choice was between almost canceling Christmas or asking for help. After going many rounds with herself, Lisa chose the latter – for Tobias.

– I feel like a failure and I feel ashamed. I also feel like a bad mother, since the boy gets told no all the time, and that’s what hurts the most, says Lisa.

She knows he notices.

– Before Christmas he said: “Mum, we are not rich in money, but we are rich in love, we”. Then I totally broke down. It hit deep into mom’s heart.

Couldn’t afford Christmas presents

At the end of November, Lisa published a post on social media where she asked for help with Christmas food and a small gift for her 16-year-old son and her two nephews, aged one and ten.

– Although it is quite degrading, I do it for the children.

Wrapping paper, scissors and tape lie on the living room table. Lisa wraps one of the gifts she couldn’t afford herself, but was given by strangers.

– I didn’t have time to buy Christmas presents this year. The fact that I got a little help means that the three people in the world who matter the most can get something. It’s heating up.

In a few hours comes the most difficult part of the Christmas preparations. Something that was unthinkable for her to do, just a few years ago.

Going days without food

Lisa has fibromyalgia and endometriosis. Both diseases are characterized by chronic pain, which has made it difficult to work.

She receives a monthly payment of just under NOK 8,000 in employment verification money from Nav. In addition, she receives approximately NOK 1,400 in housing allowance.

Fortunately, the small apartment at Berger in Drammen municipality does not require everything.

When rent and electricity are paid, she is left with NOK 2,200, which she and her son will have to live on. The single mother usually has it going round, but not this year.

– I had gotten into a routine of how to spend money to make it last longer. It doesn’t work now. What I did before to save doesn’t help anymore. Even at the date counter at the grocery store, prices have risen, she says.

Lisa is one of many Norwegian families whose budget has been overturned by the fact that the cost of living has increased significantly in the past year.

Now she goes into the red every month and accumulates debt. Some days she also goes without food, to ensure that her son has what he needs.

Her prescriptions are left waiting for months at the pharmacy because she cannot afford to collect them.

The biggest fight

Lisa breathes heavily, and her feet press the tight snow down with each step. The cemetery is deserted and shrouded in a heavy fog.

– I’m a little scared, she says.

Not all things you do in life get easier each time.

– I have been to several food distributions this year, but it costs me the same amount each time. It’s a struggle ahead, a defeat when I do it, but fortunately a good feeling afterwards, she says.

Solemn Christmas music fills the room in the church hall in the neighboring village of Svelvik. A number of tables and chairs are empty in the large room, except for the one at the very bottom. The litter box with cardboard plates is the only thing that testifies to a good turnout.

After a hello, two handshakes and a warm smile, Lisa sits down with a cup of coffee.

The parish priest and the parish educator ask to see identification, before they hand over two envelopes with gift vouchers for food. Although Lisa is curious about the amount, she does not open them.

– It is very tough of you to be open about the fact that you are having a hard time, and that you put a face on what many people are struggling with in this day and age, says parish educator Nina Herheim Howden.

– If I can help others, it’s worth it, Lisa replies.

In total, approximately 6,500 people live in Svelvik. This year, 40 families have stopped by to pick up gift cards.

– In little Svelvik, that is a high number. I think the need is actually even greater than the families who have visited here today, says Herheim Howden.

Like a magnifying glass

– What is it about Christmas that makes it so extra painful to be poor?

– Christmas is like a magnifying glass. There can be many reasons for fear, and if the feeling is due to finances, it becomes extra difficult, says Ingvild Stjernen Tisløv at the Department of Psychology at UiO.

– Many feel a pressure of expectation that Christmas should be so special. If you can’t afford it, you feel left out as you don’t get the opportunity to participate in the same way as others, says Stjernen Tisløv.

According to tradition, the families should get together, the gifts should be under the tree and the food should be on the table.

– For the parents, it is very painful not to be able to fulfill all the children’s wishes. The children, who often look forward to Christmas, are also very affected by their parents being sad, angry or frustrated.

At the Salvation Army, the number of households that have needed Christmas help this year has increased by almost 45 per cent from last year, figures from eleven Norwegian cities show.

Although the demand has been enormous, Stjernen Tisløv believes that there are still many families who still refuse to ask for help.

– Saying that you have no money or admitting that you have messed up financially is very difficult. It is something we as a society have to work to change. Economic crises can affect anyone, and then it must also be easy to get help.

The surprise

Lisa takes a few seconds to decide, but chooses to visit the mailbox. She breathes a sigh of relief when she sees that it is empty of bills.

Inside the apartment, she settles down on the sofa, and opens the first envelope from the congregation.

Underneath a Christmas greeting, there are two Kiwi gift cards for a total of NOK 1,000. Lisa tears open the edge of the next, which reveals another NOK 2,000 in gift cards.

She struggles to find the words. The corners of her eyes get wet, and she smiles with her whole face for the first time that day.

– It’s not often that I don’t have much to say, but now I don’t have many words left. It’s just absolutely fantastic. I can’t remember the last time I had so much food shopping for.

The hands do not drop the cards. For the small family, NOK 3,000 means almost three months’ food budget.

– I can’t stop smiling. Now I’m actually looking forward to Christmas a bit.

An unattainable dream

Christmas was saved for a single mother who dared to defy her sense of shame and ask for help. But unfortunately, emergency social assistance is nothing more than just emergency.

Lisa can breathe a little now during the holidays, but feels that the thought of the New Year is knotting up in her stomach.

– I imagine a lot of bills, debt collection notices and reminders. And that’s just the way it has to be, because there are other things that are more important than paying all the bills. I have to prioritize the boy, she says.

She has learned to live from day to day, without looking too far ahead. The biggest dream will not come true anyway.

– I want better health, so that I can work, but the body is not there. I have had to accept that the future will mean a degree of disability. I just hope that it won’t be one hundred percent, she says.

Lisa wishes the politicians understood that people who get sick don’t want to go home.

– I wish they could see us. That they could see that we work every day too, but not in the same way as everyone else. We work to function, and it’s just as tough as being in a full-time job. Just to be seen, to be heard and to gain some understanding. We could need that.

She takes the six presents from the living room table and carefully places them under the tree. She squats a little, illuminated by the colors.

– At least I have a very nice family. They see me.