New location, old problems: On Sunday, the 1. FC progress team, who have just returned from the training camp at Schloss Meseberg, will meet in the Federal Chancellery: the dominant feelings in the team are personal resentment and political rivalry. The club’s heraldic animal is the hyena.
The situation does not seem hopeless, but it is serious: in the opinion polls, there are indications of relegation in the table. Captain Olaf Scholz has therefore invited to the player briefing.
The finding is disturbing: With its auto-aggressive style of play, the federal cabinet offers a memorable, one could even say pitiful, impression. Each bites the other in the calf. The referee has already run out of red cards.
Strikingly in love with the ball: Vice Chancellor Robert Habeck
In the top striker we see Robert Habeck, the man with the green jersey, which is casually hanging out of his trousers. He loves to run and loves the ball. He shoots passionately at everything that rattles – even if it’s the radiators of the Germans.
The confusing thing about his style of play is that he changes direction in the middle of dribbling and then – past his own perplexed defense – storms towards the home goal. As if in a state of mental derangement (“Milan or Madrid – the main thing is Italy!”) and with growing resentment towards the media, he hits his ball into his own penalty area. His fans say: The man has at least a train to the goal. His critics shout in horror: But it’s the wrong goal.
Attacker from their own ranks: Christian Lindner
Meanwhile, a puzzled Christian Lindner is standing in the box. After a long time on the reserve bench – he speaks of “my shadow years” – he started the tournament with great confidence and the saying of his favorite philosopher Andy Möller: “I had a good feeling”. But the lightness of the early days was lost after the opening game. Roughneck Robert – who, contrary to all liberal ideals, loves bans and debts above all – gives him trouble.
This attacker from their own ranks – in the army one would speak of friendly fire – achieves its effective hits with ever new pressure waves. The FDP boss has suffered heavy defeats in away games in five state capitals. In his gate it bangs like in a shooting gallery. Lindner can hardly get out of the defensive position. He plays against two teams at the same time.
Captain Scholz powerless
Captain Olaf Scholz, who inherited Franz Beckenbauer’s complex thinking – “The reason wasn’t the cause, but the trigger” – is unable to restore the lost discipline and capture the evaporating team spirit. His powerful words fizzle out, as does his paternal persuasion. Everyone is on first-name terms, but nobody likes the other. The team can’t get into their game like that.
Environment Minister Steffi Lemke and Family Minister Lisa Paus move around the pitch like avatars of themselves: high mileage, little contact with the ball – and Annalena Baerbock has not even returned from the last game abroad. She is now establishing her own league.
That’s not enough for Nancy Faeser. The mediocre player tries to shoot in the Scholzliga, but only to score in the Hessenliga. Physically, it would be a sensation if their launch in Berlin were so powerful that the goal in Wiesbaden wobbled. Nothing is shaking at the moment.
Expert in stumbling the ball: Friedrich Merz
With this team, you don’t have to be a prophet for that, Olaf Scholz will hardly be able to reach the next round of the tournament. He can be happy when he’s doing better than ex-Bundesliga player Andreas Herzog: “Football really gets nice after the 60th minute. But then I’m always in the shower. “
Merz just can’t start believing that he’s a football god. He is known to be an expert at tripping balls he hasn’t touched. The satirist Wolfgang Neuss did not know the Merz team, but he did know its risk profile: “Imagine it works and nobody can do it. “
