Berlin.
If a partner becomes depressed, the relationship often breaks up. Michael Conrad accompanied his wife through her illness for years.
Michael Conrad* accompanied his partner and the mother of his children through a severe depression for six years. The two now live separately, his wife Sylvia is now stable after years in psychiatry: “When my wife depressions fell ill, we had been together for 18 years. Suddenly Sylvia was unrecognizable. She was indifferent, lethargic.” In the past, they always had something to talk about and a lot to laugh about. “Now I had the feeling that I couldn’t get to her anymore,” the 44-year-old real estate agent recalls.
According to the Federal Ministry of Health, 16 to 20 out of 100 people suffer from depression or a chronic depressive mood at least once in their lives. “In women, the disease typically presents with a reduced drive and fears about the future,” says Christa Roth-Sackenheim, psychiatrist and deputy chairwoman of the Professional Association of German Neurologists. In men, depression can also make itself felt through aggression and self-destruction through work and the consumption of addictive substances. Statistics show that men are less likely to be affected. However, because the overall suicide rate is higher for them than for women, it can be assumed that the number of unreported cases is higher here.
“It is often difficult for partners to recognize the disease,” says Roth-Sackenheim. Because symptoms like indifference, aggression and lack of libido took many against themselves. However, Michael and Sylvia quickly realized that it had to be a mental illness: Sylvia’s grandmother suffered from depression and still takes medication today. “I really wanted to help Sylvia and was incredibly happy that she agreed to get help,” says Michael. The treating psychiatrist diagnosed depression, Sylvia was treated with an antidepressant and an accompanying talk therapy. But it didn’t help. The drugs made Sylvia even more indifferent.
Depression in the partnership: anger, fear and feelings of guilt
“Every mental illness weighs on the whole Family and all the relatives,” says psychiatrist Roth-Sackenheim. Those affected suffered from self-reproach, partners fluctuated between anger, fear, sadness and feelings of guilt. Michael also reports on this: “I gave 100 percent everywhere: at work, with the four children. Still, I had the feeling it wasn’t enough. When I told Sylvia in the evening what I had done with the children, she didn’t react at all.”
The family man felt increasingly overwhelmed – and alone. “Before, Sylvia was my closest confidant with whom I discussed all problems and now she of all people was no longer able to do so,” says Michael. Added to that was the pressure picture of happy family to maintain. “Depression is still stigmatized,” says Michael. Mental illnesses are talked about more today than in the past. “But it’s still easier to talk about others than about your own problems.” In Michael’s case, it took more than nine months before he finally confided in his closest friends.
So that the relatives of those affected are not alone with the disease, there is also one for them support groups, to be found, for example, via the German Depression Aid Foundation. Psychiatrist Christa Roth-Sackenheim also says: “In our practice, those affected should bring their closest reference person to the first session so that their partner goes along with them. Which doesn’t mean that you actually make it out of the disease,” says Roth-Sackenheim. The illness is a stress test for the partnership.
Depression: Keeping the facade up until the last moment
Sometimes Michael felt too disappointment – for example on the evenings when the couple was invited together and Sylvia was exactly the old, dazzling person he had fallen in love with back then. “When we came back home after such an evening, it was as if the mask were falling off,” says Michael, “Sylvia collapsed completely and just lay on the sofa.”
Maybe, Michael speculates today, but that was also a special one proof of trust his wife to show himself to him as she really felt. “Depressive people go to the limits of their strength for a long time in order to keep the facade up until the last moment,” confirms Roth-Sackenheim, “sometimes the illness is also better in phases. Typical is a morning low and in the evening the mood improves. That can come across as wrong for family members.”
Depressed partner: “Many relationships break down”
In the end, Sylvia’s strength was so exhausted that the mother of four moved into assisted living after three years. The already big one distance between Michael and her grew even further. “I was always faithful, but I ended up falling in love with another woman,” says Michael. “I don’t think that would have happened if Sylvia hadn’t gotten sick.”
Such an ending is not untypical. “Many Relationships get broken,” says psychiatrist Roth-Sackenheim. Michael and his wife Sylvia have since separated, but maintain a positive relationship despite the separation. “I used to ask myself a lot if Sylvia really loved me,” Michael says thoughtfully today. “I do not think so. I think back when she was sick she wasn’t able to love anyone. Not even herself, which is why she felt so bad.”
What is left of love is a deep appreciation. “I was able to learn so much during this time – I am grateful to my wife for that,” says Michael. His wife has been out of psychiatry for a year and has a new partner. Michael lives alone and takes care of the children most of the time – and of himself: “The book ‘The Black Dog’ by Matthew Johnstone helped me a lot at the time.” Relatives of those affected by depression can find information in the book Advices, how to better deal with the disease. “What they advise you to do there is create your own island and take care of yourself too.”
* Name changed by editors
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