– I haven’t been able to read the book since it came out. I want to read it again sometime, but I think it’s difficult.
Abida Raja flips through the book that summarizes her life.
In just over two hundred pages, she has depicted a life characterized by violence, fear and shame, lived under strong social control.
Abida says that the book is her contribution to creating change, published in the hope of helping others living in the same situation.
– I want people to see that it is possible to break out. It is a high price to pay, but it is possible, says Abida.
Nevertheless, she was not prepared for what awaited when the book was published.
BIG PUSH: Abida Raja’s book got a lot of attention when it came out in September. Photo: Tommy Storhaug / TV 2
“Bravest of the year”
It took her seven years to complete the book together with VG journalist and co-author Håkon F. Høydal.
In the book, she tells about an upbringing characterized by violence and strong social control, about being married off to someone she did not love and about living in a marriage where she was subjected to physical and psychological violence.
She tells about how for years she herself covered for her abusive husband, and even beat her own children.
She tells about how she finally got out of the marriage, despite fear of honor killings, shame and poverty, and how she finally found the courage to report her ex-husband for rape.
STRONG: Abida says it is difficult to read her book again. She has not read the book since it was published. Photo: Tommy Storhaug / TV 2
When the book came out, it hit Norwegian society like a bomb.
Several referred to the book as the bravest of the year. At the same time, the book received criticism for being published while her ex-husband was still under police investigation.
The media pressure and attention towards Abida was enormous.
Abida appeared in a few interviews. Then there was silence.
– I thought that when I published the book, my job was done. It didn’t quite turn out that way.
OPEN-HEARTED: In the book, Abida Raja opens up about what it’s like to live in a violent forced marriage, about the fear of honor killings, about how she herself covered up for a violent husband. Photo: Tommy Storhaug / TV 2
Want to fight on
Abida does not hide that it has been demanding to tell the story.
From the time she was little, she has been trained to maintain a facade and put a lid on everything that hurts.
In addition, it is painful to share what is so close, so personal and so vulnerable. The trauma from what she has experienced is still strong.
– I have been diagnosed with PTSD and struggle quite a bit with my mental health, says Abida.
She knew she needed peace, and would prefer to withdraw completely.
At the same time, she has a burning desire to help women who are in a similar situation. It was this wish that finally came to fruition.
– I have realized that it is important to fight on. I want to be a voice in the public domain, but it is difficult. I hope I can do it, says Raja.
DIFFICULT: Abida says it is difficult to talk about, but that she wants to share her story to help other women in the same situation. Photo: Tommy Storhaug / TV 2
See the effect
Benedicte Barkvoll, division director in the Integration and Diversity Directorate, has no doubt that it is of great importance that Abida dares to tell its story.
– We know it can help reduce the shame and the threshold for asking for help.
Imdi is among the actors who work to help those who are exposed to negative social control, honour-related violence and forced marriage.
Barkvoll says they are already seeing an effect from Abida’s coming forward publicly.
– We get feedback from several people who say that they recognize themselves in what he says.
IMPORTANT: Benedicte Barkvoll in IMDi believes that it is of great importance that Abida comes forward with her story. Photo: Tommy Storhaug / TV 2
Assists in several matters
Barkvoll says it is difficult to put a number on how many people are in similar situations to what Abida Raja describes in the book, and that there are large dark numbers.
At the same time, the cases they have to assist in are increasing year by year.
In 2021, the minority advisers to Imdi assisted in up to 1,000 cases concerning honour-related violence, negative social control and forced marriage.
This was an increase of 36 per cent from the previous year.
The figure for 2022 is not yet clear, but Barkvoll says that they already see that the figure is significantly higher this year as well.
– The increase does not just mean that there are more cases, but that the effort has become greater. This contributes to the number of cases increasing.
Barkvoll still believes that it is important to do more.
– We are not on target. The public support system has improved, but there is still a need for the authorities to work systematically to ensure that as many young girls and boys as possible can live free and independent lives.
CONCERN: Lasse Heimdal in Kirkens SOS is concerned that there are large numbers of people who experience domestic violence and who live under social control. Photo: Tommy Storhaug / TV 2
Worry about dark numbers
The helplines of the Church’s SOS receive a lot of traffic from people who experience various types of domestic violence.
Here, too, they are worried about large figures in the dark, and that they do not reach those who need help.
– Many do not know where to get help, says Lasse Heimdal, secretary general of the Church’s SOS.
He says they are concerned that so few with a multicultural background make contact.
He believes that it is due to the fact that many people have a fundamental distrust of the aid system, and that the threshold for making contact is high.
– Now it is important that we invest in information work, that we build knowledge and trust that we as a society exist to help and support, not control and manage, says Heimdal.
Denies criminal liability
Abida’s ex-husband is still under investigation.
TV 2 has been in contact with the ex-husband’s lawyer, who does not wish to be interviewed.
He says the man does not admit criminal guilt and does not recognize himself in the presentation to Abida, as he has previously stated in a press release.
Beyond that, he does not wish to comment on the matter further.
BETTER: Abida says she is much better now. She is happy with the response she gets from the book. Photo: Tommy Storhaug / TV 2
Lots of feedback
Abida has received many messages after the book was published.
The vast majority of feedback is positive. Several thank her for sharing her story, and say that what she does is important.
Some feedback nevertheless shows the need to come forward with the matter, says Abida.
– Some believe that what I am talking about was a reality forty to fifty years ago. That’s not true.
– Those of us who came here to get better financially have probably succeeded. But an upgrade materially is not the same as an upgrade of old and oppressive attitudes.
Looking forward to the future
Today, Abida lives at a secret address with her children.
– I have been afraid all my life. I still am, but I try not to be afraid anymore.
She says the support from the children has been decisive for her publishing the book and telling her story.
– We have our own wounds and injuries, but we try to be there for each other. We understand each other and are happy for each other.
Although the trauma is still strong, she looks forward to the future.
– I feel better. I am free and can respect myself. I can decide over my own life and my own body.
She hopes the book will also give hope to others.
– This book is something good I have done before I die. I can be satisfied with that.
