These days, many of us are making a big push back into the girls’ and boys’ room.
Home for Christmas. Home to grandparents, parents and siblings – if you’re lucky.
But the road back to old patterns can be short. So short that the big questions become: How do you avoid getting in the way of your little brother, or becoming the rebellious teenager you might have been?
New person in – what do we do?
Lennart Lorås is a professor at Høgskulen på Vestlandet and teaches family therapy.
– Christmas can be demanding, because we suddenly find ourselves in family constellations we are not usually in. Families have different ways of being together, and different rules. When you get together and then mix these rules, it can quickly become difficult, says Lorås.
A FEW DAYS: Although Christmas can be the scene of family squabbles, Lorås asks us to pick our battles. Christmas is short, not everything should be taken up then, he says. Photo: Stian Lysberg Solum / NTB
The family therapist especially asks those who get a new person – a new partner, friend or family member – into the “group” to be open to adjustments.
– Christmas is a traditional holiday. But we may have to dare to take traditions up for consideration. How does this tradition actually work? Should we do things in a different way?
Help, I’ve become a teenager
Falling back into old roles can also be a challenge.
– I think it is difficult to avoid it completely. If the patterns have lasted for many years, they would like to repeat themselves, says Lorås.
Family therapist Lennart Lorås. Photo: HVL
Since one is often safest with siblings and close family, this is also often where frustration is located.
– But I wish people were better at acquiring other good intentions. It is not very often that we do things to hurt or be evil. It can turn out to be unfortunate, but it is not certain that it was a bad idea behind it, he says.
His best trick is to look for the so-called fork point.
– In all conversations we are faced with choices, for example in which direction the conversation should go. Perhaps you should try to stop and think through whether you can choose the safe path in the conversation, especially at Christmas, says the family therapist.
– Christmas actually consists of quite a few days.
SIBLINGS: Siblings can provoke extra irritation and aggression. The therapist’s advice is to pick your battles. Photo: Illustration / Torstein Bøe / NTB
Don’t take every match
Lorås also asks us to consider whether the Christmas holidays might not be the time to play all matches.
– Complex things take time. And there can be good reasons why not everything should be talked about, he says.
This doesn’t work
But some arguments are perhaps inevitable. according to The Directorate for Children, Youth and Families couple therapists, there are four ways of communicating that simply do not work and that you must at all costs try to avoid.
1. Depreciation
Saying ugly and hurtful things about the other person. Put-downs are often a desperate attempt to change, but are perceived as an attack.
2. Defense
Attack triggers defense. But no one likes to be insulted.
3. Escalation
Defense leads to new attacks, which in turn lead to new defenses.
4. Withdrawal
This may be an attempt to calm the situation or protect oneself from stress. Whether it is staying silent or leaving the conflict, this is experienced as a cold rejection. If the other party does not tolerate rejection well, it can make the pain worse.
How to repair
– But if the “crisis” has happened first: How can we repair it?
– Such things can often seem prohibitive. But I would try to find out what it is in this problem that is a repeating pattern, and what it is that triggers the problem. Then perhaps that is what you should address and try to enter into a dialogue on, says Professor Lorås.
He also emphasizes that one should not or cannot always agree in unison.
– We have to recognize each other’s differences, and approach each other with caution. If we dare to start in a small place, we might be able to make a small change. And then we get started.
